Introspective Wank

A self-examening spiel.

Going about this kinda thing is hard, because it seems so difficult to describe who you are without relying on two things – your beliefs and your experiences. But we are all so much more than that, and how to capture the very essence of personality, even soul, eludes me. I have enough trouble trying to properly spell words.

To me, what a person believes is pretty irrelevant – as long as neither of us are arguing on those topics, everything can be groovy. And while people’s pasts shape them, it can also be supposed that certain people will attract certain events and it all ends up as circulatory reasoning. Enough of this belief of mine – back to my point. Personality. Charisma? Not that precise. The way people are inside.

I can be friendly with anyone if I care to; I wouldn’t say I love people but I’m not a complete misanthrope. I love humanity but taken as individuals most of them bore me to tears or irritate me. I haven’t figured out which is worse. So when I find someone I actually enjoy to talk to or hang out with, it’s a rare and happy thing. Harkening back to the past for the purpose of example, I’ve never had an innate need to be around people. I have always had “friends” but they never really meant much until my early teens, when friends became a focus of my life that is kinda embarrassing because it made me conscious of things I never cared about before – my looks, my status, “cool” things. Sacrifice yourself for the sake of having lots of friends. That ended soon after high school, thankfully, and I learned to treasure the friends I made after that.

The following aren’t really beliefs or thoughts, just some of my reactions to common concepts. Is there a difference? I don’t know. But how else can I tell people about myself? Read and enjoy.

Trust. That’s a really hard thing for me to deal with – I usally get around that by just not caring. There are very few people that I cared about enough for trust to become an issue. I’m pretty laid back and not prone to melodramatics, just a temper-tantrum now and then but no lasting hard feelings. However, if any trust I give a person is violated, I hates that person forever. So I’m an unforgiving bitch in that circumstance. Since I’m pretty closed-up emotionally with people I don’t care about – it doesn’t happen very often. But it usually sneaks through my defences through others who don’t have the same protective shell as I. When someone hurts a friend, I generally look past the logic of the situation and ignore my “let bygones be bygones” philosophy and immediately start the hate. Because there *are* so few that I consider friends. And with the sliding scale of emotions, the more I like someone, the more pissed I become. On the other hand, I can take a lot of “abuse” from someone and just laugh it off. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen very often because I’m just so darn loveable.

Happiness. That’s an easy one. All people should be happy. If you aren’t happy, it’s your fault so STOP. It’s so simple. Find out what it is that makes you happy and do it. If it’s too complicated, do something else. With all the wars and natural disasters and starvation in the world, isn’t it the least you can do to take care of your own backyard? Or patio, if you live in an apartment. I am almost always happy in some sense – not the dellerious, oh-my-god, hopping about type of happy – but generally I think that minus my own anxieties and faults, it is within my power to be happy. Thus, I also feel that it’s sort of my duty to help my friends to be happy also, and am usually ready to lend a paw. Unless it involves doing windows.

Anxiety. I am a very anxious person on the surface. But being easily distracted helps it from getting too bad. I almost always worry too much about the little things. Depending on how you define things, getting enough money together to pay the rent is a little thing. It’s better than worrying about cancer or nuclear war or anything outside of your control. So if it’s in my control, I worry about it. And due to my immense overconfidence in my abilities, most things are within my control. But I can’t be bothered to deal with them so I leave that to the world to figure out. Another blast from the past as to why I’m so anxious over little things probably has to do with the house we lived in when I was 5 (until we moved to Arizona when I was 11). Texas has big bees and wasps. They are all over the place and it’s scary. In this particular house, somehow they could manage to get into the ventilation system and come out through the exhaust fans in the bathrooms. So this inevitably left me sitting on the toilet with an eagle eye on the vent for a good portion of my life. Ghosts didn’t bother me. Not even monsters. But bees coming at you while you sat unawares on the toilet – bingo. It punched my fear button which lead to adult anxiety. But that’s just my theory. So basically I tend to fret a lot, and at some points it can lead to my unhappiness, which is pretty much added to my belief that I’m in control so it’s my own fault and that sets up a circular session of anxiety. Screwy, ain’t I?

(As an aside, there is a really funny book called The Good Samaritan Strikes Again by Patrick McManus that includes a passage that explains roughly how my own worries work. I listened to the audio book of it and loved it. Must get more…)

Love. Going along with friendship and trust, I love even less people. But I “love” many things. It’s easy for me to say that. I very rarely say “I love you” to someone, because it’s too personally, too much trust is involved. I can say it easily to Kazz (my longlonglong-time sweetie) and my animals. But even when I do love other people I don’t really say it. Writing is easier, so I can say I “wuv” “wuff” or “lub”. I can even sneak in “Love ya” or pass the responsibility to the group and say “We love you”. But not the personal “I” with “love” and “you”. Only part of it has to do with many people’s association of love with sex, which I see as totally separate (but can still be combined, just not all the time). So many see “I love you” as “I wanna s3x0r j00!” which is not how I mean it. If I mean it, I’ll say it. The other part of it is that I just don’t feel comfortable saying things I don’t mean, and since I generally don’t mean it, I don’t say it. But when I love, I generally do so whole-heartedly. If you are going to do something, do it right. Might explain why I’ve been easily hurt for it before. But the rewards are worth it.

Morality. This is a big toughy because everyone has their own beliefs on this subject. Morality is a two-pronged problem because it includes things to do or not do but also the process in which they should be carried out. Both of these include grey areas that vary from person to person. Basically, I think that people should decide what they think is right and wrong and then follow it.What I believe isn’t relevant to anyone who is not me, and that’s a lot of people. So I will respect many people who don’t share my views but are able to stick to them and stick up for them. Religion is one of those touchy areas; nobody likes to be told what to believe in. But I really admire those who can be decisive in what they believe in, and in character and action live what they believe. Not wishy-washy people who say, “I believe”, but those who say “I believe and here’s *why*”. If you can’t support your views with “I just have a feeling” then I don’t really think you should get into arguments about them. There are many religious and non-religious people who can live consistently with their views, and many more of both who cannot. I support grey areas; I like to listen to people’s definitions and their procedures on how to get around them. Because, I don’t see things in black and white – everything is grey until we define them with our own colors. I want everyone to do what they think is right, and be willing to share and consider everyone else’s ideas. Just as “it is my firm belief that we should not hold firm beliefs”, nobody should run around without a guide, a map to how they should interact with the rest of the world. It’s up to others to define it. I have mine, where’s yours?

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