MERRY FERRET CHRISTMAS!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! WE WISH YOU BARRELS AND BARRELS OF HOLIDAY CHEER!!!
In case you didn't know, this is our special Christmas edition. We have a cute Christmas article on a traditional ferret holiday. It's not too late to send gifts and/or cards with money inside. We accept major credit cards, but no personal checks, please. Include the receipt for your purchases to make exchanges easier.
In this issue we also have an interview with Sara O'Ferret. You won't be receiving an issue next week cuz we need a break, too! But we will be seeing you after New Year's with an article on Freeko, the controversial ferret author. See you next year! (It's only a few weeks, fool!)
Best Ferret Wishes!
FFW Staff
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...ENQUIRER(tm) tabloid ran an article a few issues back on a man who imitates the call of the porcupine (worthless). And the Wildlife Federation hired him so they could study the stupid spiked creatures (brainless). That reallly chaps my hide! Why don't they find someone to imitate the call of the righteous ferret? Cuz you humans can't copy the orotund eloquence of us ferrets! *(Ed's note: we let Ferret write "Ferret World News this week.) But anyhow, we heard that the said caller was also hired by Ferret Chow(tm) to call and capture wild porcupines for a new type of Ferret Chow(tm). New gamy flavor for ferrets with a hunter's palette....
...FORMER SOVIET UNION: With the USSR deteriorating, a new republic was formed - Ferretvia. Ferrets under communist control are finally independant and free after years of fighting. Their new country is still unstable (as are all of the new republics) but is the most likely to survive this winter. The head of government is still undecided....
...JUST A TIDBIT OF INFO: the name "ferret" comes from the Latin word "furritus" meaning "little fur thief". Yes, ferrets are furry animals that will steal your love and affections. We think that it also comes from the olde English spelling of fair (meaning just) as "fer". And spelling rat as "ret and putting them together. Thus, we have ferret - "fair rat". Ferrets look a little like rats and other rodents, and some people call weasels rats, and ferrets are weasels, so ferrets are "fair rats" because they are righteous and have a high sense of justice except when it comes to porcupines but porcupines suck so we don't care. We just thought you, our readers, should know....
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FFW: Last week our interview was with Dr. St. Ferret. He studies domesticated ferret behavior, but do you see similarities between modern and wild ferrets?
SO: Ferrets are ferrets, no matter their state of sophistication. But just as there are similarities, there are differences between the two. Wild ferrets prefer the outdoor wilderness whereas the domesticated ferret wants to be snuggy comfy in a building. And wild ferrets are not picky with their diets; they would eat decayed antelope over a porcupine pie any day. But you know, all ferrets are opportunists.
FFW: How's that?
SO: They all take what they get when they can get it. When there's plenty, they gorge. When there's free time, they use it. When there's a free porcupine, they grab it. It's a ferret eat ferret world out there; luckily it doesn't turn them into cannibals.
FFW: Do you study any particular type of wild ferret?
SO: I particularily enjoy watching black-footed ferrets, cuz they're very rare and it's a special opportunity. I'm so glad the population of the black foots are coming back. You know what?
FFW: Chicken butt?
SO: Exactly. But the black foots aren't closely related to domesticated ferrets, although there is a distant interbreeding somewhere along the line, cuz they're both weasels. In America, there aren't many of the polecats (very close relatives to the domestic ferrets) around. But there are many other distant relatives. Weasels of all kinds are related to ferrets in some way.
FFW: Where have you been to study ferrets and their cousins?
SO: All over the world, practically. North America, a little in South America, Europe and Asia, India, Africa; just about everywhere except the poles have wild ferrets or their cousins like weasels, stoats, ermines, polecats, etc.
FFW: Thank you for letting us interview you. We'll give you some space to plug your books.
SO: Thanks. I have written many books, my newest one being "Life With Wild Ferrets". Others include "Wild Weasels of the West", "Friendly Furry Funny Ferrets" and "How to Recognize Fur, Tracks, and Behavior of Wild Ferrets, Weasels, Polecats, Stoats, and Related Animals that are Furry, Tubular, Otter-like Mammals".
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. But of course the ferrets were up, being that they're nocturnal and it was Christmas Eve and all. Granpappy ferret, granny ferret, uncle and auntie ferrets, and all the baby ferrets join together 'round the Christmas fern to rejoice in the holiday spirit. They perform all of the holiday traditions, such as hanging their tail warmers over the fireplace and sipping hot apple-porcupine cider. They decorate their fern with silver and gold porcupine quills and a troll on top of the fern.
Baby BOB: How did the troll get on top of the Christmas fern?
Baby JENNY: It happened on Christmas Eve, many years ago, when you usually put a dumb porcupine head on the fern, just for fun. Well, Ferret Clause was walking to his workshop that night, to check on his elves ya know, and he stepped in a pile of porcupine poo. He was angery, and went on to his shop. But the elves were all drunk on spiked porcupine cider and hadn't done a thing. So Ferret Clause was real mad, cuz now he had to go to K Mart to get all the toys, and on Christmas Eve, they aren't cheap! And the doody on his boots wasn't smelling any better. As he was loading up his sleigh, he noticed he had a flat. Now he was very, very P.O.'ed, cuz he was behind schedule. Then a little troll came up, carrying a fern, and asked, "Ferret Clause, where do you want me to put this Christmas fern?" Get it?
GRANNY: Shush up, kits. The troll is like an elf, so we put them on on the fern cuz they don't make little plastic elves!
Baby BECKY: Do elves pull Ferret Clause's sleigh?
GRANPAPPY: No, no, li'l kit, Ferret Clause's got hamsters to pull his sleigh. And sometimes, when a kit can't have a good Christmas without a bunch of toys, Ferret Clause must overload his sleigh. But the hamsters can't carry such a heavy load, and they get smashed. Hence the saying, "Have a merry Christmas or this hamster goes squish."
Baby BILL: Why do we decorate a fern for Christmas?
Uncle BUCK: Do ya think one ferret can cut down a tree? Give thanks for that there fern! Took me 'n' your dad Chuck there two hours to find the perfect fern and that's the biggest fern out there. Bet it's bigger than all the neighbors' ferns. Hey Chuck, let's go see the neighbors' ferns...
Uncle CHUCK: Don't worry, Buck. We've got the biggest fern paws down. Wouldn't you say so, Luck?
Uncle Luck: Yup.
Baby BOOMER: WHY DO WE ALWAYS DRINK PORCUPINE CIDER ON CHRISTMAS?!?!
Auntie BEA: Please don't yell so, Boomer. Because when the little ferret christ child was born, all the animals gave him gifts, especially the other ferrets. All except the lowly porcupines. And it's not like they couldn't afford it! They had more money and property than the humans then! Even the humans gave to the little ferret christ, but then they snatched him up and said he was the son of their god. But the greedy porcupines ignored the saintly kit/son of god. When the other animals found out, they chased the porcupines, ran 'em over with a chariot or mule cart or something, and made a tasty drink from them.
GRANNY: All right. Time for family picture! My children sit on chairs in front of Grandpappy and me. Line up Beatrice, Bernice, Beth, and Chuck, Luck, Buck and Fu - no, Billy, you stand with your cousins. OK< Billy, Boomer, Bob, Becky, and Jenny. Let me set the timer. Say, "EAT PORCUPINES!"
Merry Christmas.
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Wondering in Wyoming
Dear WONDERING,
Uh....gee...I...Well, I know I'm not gay! I have never slept with a male ferret!
As for Muffy, she was SirFerret's lover. They met at some bar in Porcupine Point
and got drunk and married. That's why we killed her. But she was a porcupine
and it was all a dream anyway. Or was it? The cat was there when we woke up so
we aren't sure. And how do you people know about my life?!
Dear FERRET,
I have a friend, "Ronny", who or whom I think is deceiving me. He never goes
out with me anymore, cuz he says he's "out of gas". But the stories sound phony
and I know he has lied to me a couple of times and he used to be a cool guy. But
lately he has been hanging around ferret killers! I suspect he has killed ferrets
at least once. There are so many ferret killers around who or whom try to get
you to kill ferrets. But just saying NO!!!! isn't enough. We must get rid of
ferret killers! Help!!
Saying No! in Idaho
Dear SAYING NO!,
Your friend needs help, and he must take the first steps in reforming. You can
help him, but the choice must be his: you can't force him. His lying and "out
of gas" stories are most likely a result from ferret killing. TRY, TRY, TRY to
make him see the wrongness of it all. There may be a Ferret Killers Anonymous
near you. Rehab is the best place for Ronny to go.
Dear FERRET,
I am a ferret saver, and I have a question. I doubt you'll know, but I have no
one else to ask. Is Jani Lane pro-ferret?
Amy in Arizona
Dear AMY,
I know that Oswald kid quite well. We're pretty much best buds. And he is a huge
ferret saver. In fact, he's a ferret-in-disguise. So of course he is pro-ferret.
He does have a gut (too many porcupines!), but he's working on it. It just takes
a little longer, cuz he's ROCK'N'ROLL MAN!
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--Alice, Seattle Washington
Dear ALICE,
The peaceful Ferrettown is indeed inhabited by ferrets, although righteous
ferret savers may soon be allowed to live there. Ferrettown was built of the
ferrets, by the ferrets, and for the ferrets. The location of Ferrettown must
be kept secret and FFW will not reveal it in this publication. There are too
many ferret killers out there who, if they had access to FFW, would raid Ferrettown
to destroy the innocent ferrets.
Dear FFW,
I love your work. You help the ferret society grow and prosper. Although your
detailed descriptions paint pictures in the brain (ferret and human), why don't
you print photographs?
--Susie, Las Vegas Nevada
Dear SUSIE,
Alhtough we would love to print photos in FFW, we can't. The cost of reproducing
photos is high, and it's a waste of paper. We can only use a certain amount of
paper in each issue, so we must skimp a little bit. Here at FFW, we recycle,
plant trees, and don't print photographs. (And our ferret reporters are too
small to hold a camera.)
Dear FFW,
I love your newsletter. It hits the hottest topics affecting ferrets today. I
know this is silly, but are you Ferret Friend or Friends Weekly? I have seen it
written both ways many times and I want to be sure. Is it a typo?
--Jack, Detroit Michigan
Dear Jack,
Yes Jack, it was a typo; we don't spontaneously change our name from singular
to plural or vice versa. Our eeditors slip up somtims. We're Ferret Friends,
not Friends. Whoops, another typo.
Dear FFW,
You run a terrific newsletter. One slight comment I have is your poor grammar
usage. Most issues have misspelled words, dangling modifiers, redundancy, and
a tendency to repeat. You carelessly forget that a comma must be placed between
a city and a state. It is most annoying.
--Stephen, Akron Ohio
Dear SirFerret, uh, STEPHEN,
Gee we're sorry. We didn't think anyone would sit on their bums and diagram
our every sentance. We aren't sophomore English teachers. Just for spite we left
out the comma between your city and state. We may loose customers cuz of our
sarcasm, but it was a good joke and you know it.
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