Hello, welcome again to this marvelous newsletter. This issue is pertaining to....FERRETS! What a surprise! We just decided to go crazy and do something different. Our feature this week is on the mysterious appearances of Black Foot. And reader mail was a little low this week, but as usual our Ask Ferret column got a lot of letters. So write in and give us your opinions, views, or tid-bits of info!
Next week, we will be adding a review section, critiquing books, movies and such. Also, we will be interviewing ferret psychologist Dr. Ralph St. Ferret. He will give us the inside scoop on analyzing the ferret brain. And don't forget the neady ferrets this holiday season! Donate your time or money to the Ferret Fund. About the coming holiday, ferrets make great presents for Christmas. Or for birthdays, Easter, what have you. Tell that special someone how much you love by giving them a ferret.
Continue with your reading; we hope you enjoy it!
Sincerely,
Ferret Weekly Staff
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...LIECHTENSTEIN: Victory for ferrets! The ferret was adopted as National Animal of Liechtenstein, replacing the thick-coated porcupine. Our regrets to the porcupines - heheheh....
...FERRET ISLAND, PACIFIC OCEAN: Scientists have discovered an island in the Pacific Ocean inhabited by ferrets and an unidentified species of cockroach. Ferret linguists have been sent to this island, offically named Ferret Island, to learn the native language(s) and study their culture(s)....
...FERRET FUND has been highly successful in saising money for the deprived and homeless ferrets. A portion of the money also sees to the preservation of the endangered black footed ferrets in the wild. Send in your donations now to see that the under-privelleged ferrets have a happy Christmas!....
...FERRET AND SIRFERRET will be signing autographs at the New York Hard Rock Cafe. Junior is currently in Hollywood shooting his next movie, "My Life As A Kit". Look for those ferrets and Peshy the Purple Dragon in their theatrical debut in "Phantom at Ferrettown", which will begin touring this summer....
...ON T HE SUBJECT OF FERRET AND SIRFERRET, they wish to dispel a nasty rumor. NO, WE ARE NOT GAY!!! "it was a joke!" says Ferret. "i didn't think she would keep it up! It was funny the first time, but now it's getting old!" The two ferrets are not suing the perpetrator of this rumor, but say if things get any worse they'll have to take legal action....
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The creature is reported to be between four and ten feet in length, and judging from its alleged tracks, around twenty or thirty pounds. The few who have claimed to have seen this animal say it looks like a huge furry snake with legs. It is reported as having a black patch of fur covering its eyes, much like a raccoon, and a black foot on each of its four legs. As this seems very close to the markings of the common ferret, Ferret Friends Weekly decided to investigate further.
Once in Forest Falls, we searched the local area closely to find any trace of this creature, now the notorious Black Foot. Although we found no evidence of such a creature, local farmers and woodcutters swore that Black Foot exists. One farmer, who wished to remain anonymous, proclaimed that he had seen this animal up close several tiems and once took a shot at it.
FARMER: "Well, sir, it was long about fou' in de mo'nin' when I come upon dat dere critter. It was out yonder in de pasture, eatin' de carcass of a sheep dat had done gone 'n' got itself killt in one o' my varmit citchers. An' dere it was, jist as happy as it could be tearin' away at de sheep. Now, I had done seen de varmit afore, 'n' I didn't like der looks nor der smell of it. So I jist up an' took a shot to th' ole thing. Looked like a 'coon, it did, an' I don't take kindly to no 'coons nor thar kinfolks. An' damn if it didn't take off alike lightnin', too. Yup, an' I don't reckon it'll come back for a while. An' asides, it were a-lookin' at muh bum."
After our interview, we hauled him down to the police station for shooting an endangered animal. Other than that farmer's account, we had no one claim to have been so close to Black Foot. But this animal has become local legend, and has replaced the "Panicking Porcupine" as the town's most favorite folklore creature. (Yay!)
---Robert S. Ferretson
Ferret Friends Weekly
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Sincerely,
Saver-to-be in AZ
Dear SAVER,
You are worthy, no doubt about it! Milions like you around the world have been
wondering about what more they can do to save us righteous ferrets! You ahve
already given to the Ferret Fund, and that's a good start. A question: Are you
familiar with FARITS? FARITS is an acronym for Ferrets Are Righteous In
Towns of Savers, and is a division of the Small Animal Society (SAS). Contact
them and they may induct you into their association, with a complimentary
subscription to Ferret Monthly, another party-on newsletter concerning
us ferrets. (Ferret Monthly and Ferret Weekly are independent
publications) GOOD LUCK!!!
Dear FERRET,
I must confess. I am not worthy. I shall hang my head in shame. One day I was
talking to a man whom I thought was very nice. I actually found myself falling
in love with him (I am female). But then I found out - he was a ferret killer!
Of course, I left him immediately, but I fear disasters resulting from our
contact. I have not seen him since, and I know I cannot and never will love a
ferret killer. Am I doomed to burn in hell forever?
Shamefully,
Non-non-non-worthy in Missouri
Dear NON,
Crawl out of your dank dark hole of shame because you are way worthy. The fact
of your ditching that dude proves that to me and to all ferret lovers. You did
the right thing, and don't worry about being poisoned by his presence. HE is
the one to accuse, not you. Hold your head high and bellow your mightiness.
Tell the world you are unquenchable! Because you SAVE FERRETS!
Dear FERRET,
I am a huge fan of yours! I have saved ferrets because of your enlightenment!
You've been an inspiration to us all. I just gotta say thank you for a job well
done! One thing I'd like to know is, do you have a last name?
Love,
Ferret Fan
Dear FAN,
Thanks for the kudos! I do my best for humanity and ferretdom. Not only do I
strive to be a humanitarian, but aslo a ferretarian. It's about time we ferrets
take a stand and find our niche in society! As to your question, yes I do have
a last name. Not many know i since I prefer to be addressed as Ferret. My last
name is -
I will tell the world my name in next issue of Ferret Friend Weekly!
Write to Ferret at his snug little home anytime you have a question for him. You know where to send them! (Just don't strain his little brain with the really hard questions.)
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