We hope you enjoy this issue of FFW. This week we present a new column, a review of movies, books, and a featured music group. Our latest feature is an interview with Dr. Ralph St. Ferret. As usual, Ferret Weekly brings the latest in ferret news. Reader mail is mostly concerning last week's article on Black Foot, and Ferret answers some burning questions in Ask Ferret.
Netxt week we will be interviewing Sara O'Ferret, the Jane Goodal of wild ferrets. And next week is also our special Christmas issue! (Because of the holiday, the issue may be a bit late, but should arrive by Christmas day.) Speaking of the holidays, don't forget the special ferret on your list. Your local pet shop should have plenty of toys fr your ferret friend. Have fun reading and see you next week!
Sincerely,
FFW Staff
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...OUR BLACK FOOT SIGHTED article last week raised a lot of reader mail.
Also, we found a similar story in Exploiter Magazine, except that the same
witness, using his name, elaborated on his story.
Article found in the Exploiter Magazine:
Oswald, a farmer in Forest Falss, Vermont, was peacefully sitting on his
porch one sunny day when suddenly he heard a loud growl coming from the woods
near his house. He now tells his story.
OSWALD: "Well, sir, I was sittin' out thar long about fou' in de morn... I mean
afternoon. Alls of a sudden like, I heared a terrible savige growl. Then this
here huge monster with fangs 'n' claws 'n' s'liva droolin' out'n his mouth
jumped out in front o' me. An' he was jist acovered in blood. He had done kilt
one o' my prize hogs, I mean sheep, ah, no, it weren't muh sheep atall, it was
muh favrit hoss, Turnada. He weren't half finished with Turnada when he set 'is
eyes on me. O' coures I was sceered yella. But dat dere varmit weren't looking
to eat dat dere hoss when 'e could have 'is suppah off'n me. So 'ere 'e come
after me, an' o'course I run to save muh skin. I ran into the house...no, not
de house, uh, 'cause muh wife an' chien was inside, an I didn't want 'em et up
by the monster. Yeah. Once in de woods, I climbed a tree, but then I fell,
almost inta th' varmit's mouth, I did. But I got me a big, big, um,... tree
branch.k An' with that thar stick I knocked th' critter uside de head. An' I
also kicked de stuffin' out o' him, an' when 'e was done an' whooped, i went
back to muh house to get me muh gun, an' then I went an' took a shot at the
varmit, but he done walked away. Muh shells done have no affect on 'im. That
menace is still out dere somewheres, an' guess what? I'm not allowed to kill it
even to protect muh family. 'Cause it could be some en-dangered spee-sheeze.
Whad'ya think of that thar?"
Oswald, who is the great uncle of rock star Jani Lane (John Oswald), was
arrested for shooting at this creature, which Oswald says may be the last of
a prehistoric mammal sent by aliens to destroy the human race. Local officials
say it may be an undiscovered species of the bear family.
...FERRET CHOW(TM), a subsidiary of Purina, has disclosed to Ferret Friend Weekly its list of ingredients. We found that a large percentage of Ferret Chow(TM) is ground porcupine meat, thus its appeal to ferrets....
...SWISS ALPS: A prehistoric ferret was found frozen in a wall of ice. Scientists are classifying it as "mustelus furo erectus", believing it is the precursor to our intelligent, upright, tool-weilding ferret friends....
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Dr. Ralph St. Ferret, renowned ferret psychologist, shares with us his expert opinions on the modern ferret mind.
FFW: What is the most common fear affecting ferrets?
DR: In our society, there are many phobias afflicting today's ferret. The most common, in my opinion, is a fear of ferret killers. With all the countless fiendish murderers out there trying to do them harm, some ferrets just snap. They think that everybody wants to kill them, even suspecting other ferrets and loved ones. The technical term for this fear is Garberphobia. In the extreme cases of Garberphobia, some sufferers actually believe themselves to be ferret killers, and they digress into isolation.
FFW: Has there been a change in ferret behavior in recent years?
DR: The modern ferret has more stress than a ferret of several years ago. Ferrets of today can now have jobs, and the current demands on ferrets are putting a strain on their nerves. But ferrets also have more personal freedoms. They can vote, speek freely, and practice their own religions and cultures. Ferrets aren't the repressed society they once were.
FFW: Do you think their recent popularity has changed ferrets as a whole?
DR: Ferrets don't have to fight to survive now that most have loving homes. They are well off now that there are ferret savers. But they still must worry about ferret killers lurking around.
FFW: Is ferret psychology a new field, or has such analysis been going on for some time?
DR: Surprisingly, ferret psychology is as old as human psychology. In fact, human behavior understanding developed from early ferret study. People have been interested in the ferret mind for thousands of years, ever since the first ferret was domesticated.
FFW: How long have you been interested in ferret psychology?
DR: Ever since I was a boy I have loved ferrets. I was fascinated by my pet ferret Freud, as in Sigmund Freud, and I wondered how his mind worked. I studied hard in school, and took as many ferret courses as I could in college. In my early years as a ferret psychologis, my field was mostly an underground operation. Only those very rich or with the right connections could have their ferret evaluated. But ferret popularity has increased the need for ferret psychologists, so now I work in a very public practice.
FFW: Do most of the ferrets you treat come to you on their without encouragement from loved ones?
DR: Most of my patients know and accept that they have a problem. A few come on their own, but many have the support of family and friends.
FFW: What is your main goal?
DR: To make ferrets feel good about themselves. To solve their problems and sooth their fears or anxieties. But I guess my main goal to strive for is making the world a better place for ferrets. Because ferrets are good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like them.
---Julia Ferretman, FFW
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Sadly,
Lonely Saver
Dear SAVER,
Be lonely no more! We have already contacted ferret savers in your area who
should be meeting you soon. Ferret Weekly has a list of ferret savers from around
the world. If your name isn't on that list, write to us today! Ferret saving
can sometimes be a lonely experience, but it is always richly rewarding. Keep
it up!
Dear FERRET,
My brother's friend's girlfriend's sister asked me out (I'm male) on a date.
We wnt out and have formed a strong relationship. But I have found out that she
and her sister (they are twins) switched on me. I don't know which one I'm in
love with! I want to ask Sara (or Susie!) to marry me, but if I ask the one
going out wiht my brother's friend, he'll get real mad. And he's my English
teacher! I know he'd fail me. Help!
Signed,
In Love With Twins
Dear IN LOVE,
I think you meant to send your letter to Dear Abby. But I will respond to your
heart breaking question. If the twins switched on you, deceived and lied to
you, neitehr one of them is worthy. Don't risk the wrath of your English teacher.
Dump the chick(s). And save the ferrets!
Dear FERRET,
I am from Switzerland. My English no is good. Where I live, are no ferrets! I
love ferrets! Can you send ferrets here? I tell friends, I save ferrets. They
say, what? You mean fags? Homosexuals? I say no, is furry animal. They say, I
never saw ferret. You didn't save them, they all dead. I say no, they are in
America. They say, show me ferret. So I write to Ferret. What I do?
Signed,
Foreign Ferret Saver
Dear FOREIGN,
A place without ferrets must be like a day without the Sun! What a lonely world
you live in, especially with such homophobic friends. (Although I must restate
that I am not gay myself) We will try our hardest to send foreign exchange
ferrets to your country. Every place in the world will have ferrets when we are
through! LONG LIVE FERRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FFW: Last issue, we were asked by a fan to reveal Ferret's last name. Now,
he will tell...
FERRET: My last name is none of your business.
FFW: That's a rather long name.
FERRET: Oh, all right. I am Ferret BUELLER.
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--John, Forest Falls Vermont
Dear FFW,
In your article, "Black Foot Sighted", it mentioned arresting the farmer who
claimed to have shot at the giant. Good for you! So many of our endangered wild
species are murdered by a hunter's gun. Either the animals are intended for a
unique trophy, or they are innocently shot, mistaken for something else. I say
let all animals live in peace, especially the ferrets.
--Anne, Houston Texas
--Dee-Dee, New York New York
--Roger, Steppenapudul Oregon
FFW will be sending a reporter to Steppenapudul soon. Look for the article in a later issue.
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