Ferret Stories, or Fun With Ferrets were written by my friend Jennifer Anne Wood (or simply "JAW") in our sophomore year of high school, 1991-1992. They started out as casual notes, mostly from her typing class, and as a result I've had to modify them a bit for content. Which means, I edited out the personal chit chat. :)
Once upon a time, there was this ferret named Ferret. He was a ferret. His name was ferret. Anyway, he lived in Ferrettown. It was a happy town which was inhabited by ferrets. Many strange events took place in Ferrettown. These phantasmic events are about to be presented to you in several Ferrepisodes. This has been an introduction that has contradicted just about every Composition Rule in the Scottsdale School District. I, myself, don't care. Catch ya next time on Fun With Ferrets!
This episode begins when Ferret leaves his home on a quiet afternoon in Ferrettown. On his little stroll he runs into Sir Ferret from down the way. They talked for a little while and then returned to the corner restaurant for a spot of tea.............
...So they enter the bar, ready for a rowdy night on the town. Little did they know that a bar brawl was already in progress. Let's listen in to hear what they're saying...
Well, I just made a startling observation: ferrets can't talk. But you should have seen the situation. It was wild. It was amazing; there was this particular ferret who kept this spoon on his head. He was holding a sign that said:
When we last left Ferret and Sirferret, they were in jail for life, but I,
being the pesci one* that I am, overheard a meticulous escape plan. The two are,
to let you in on the scoop, planning to escape. That's all that I heard. Nevertheless,
I communicated with the two ferrets telepathically. They were thinking, and I
quote:
Ferret: Geesh, this jailhouse sure does smell like cow manure. Maybe
it's just my drunk companion (they were more than just friends, if you catch
my drift...) I know how he is with cleaning himself. I should introduce him
to my favorite brand of deoderant, Ferret Extra Dry. It keeps the sweat and
odiferous sensations out of contact with any nose.
SirFerret: He's giving me that look again. I think he's gonna eat my
little white ferret bum. Why did they have to put me in the same cell as
Hannibal the Cannibal. EEEEEYA! I'll dig myself a hole, then I could escape.....
When we left those two crazy critters, they were making a plan to break out
of jail. So far they were unsuccessful. But, of course, their luck changed.
Just then there was an immense blast of smoke. When the air cleared, the ferrets
witnessed something that was so talked about that the two didn't even believe
it anymore. They saw the one and only Fabulous Ferret Fate Decider.
Let's just call him Ferretski (he was Polish). He ewas almighty, omnipotent,
and second to none (except maybe the pesci one). The two ferrets, Ferret and
SirFerret, felt completely unworthy in the eyes of Ferretski. They fell to
their little knobby ferret knees and grovelled for several long minutes. Ferretski
grew tired of such foolish action and demanded them to cease this grovelling.
Said Ferretski to the measly drunkards,
"I have come on a mission; I must save those who seek help. Thou hast be thee.
*(Ed's note: I have no idea what this means)* Come with me." He began to dig
a tunnel.
SirFerret exclaimed, "Why didn't we think of this?"
Ferretski answered, "Why do you think, imbecile?"
Ferret jumped to SirFerret's defense since SirFerret was too drunk, and said,
"Hey, I don't like your attitude, but that's okay, because your good enough,
your smart enough, and doggonit, people like me, I mean you*."
So, anyway, they burrowed through the tunnel, and made their way to safety.
They came up through the sewer system. When they got out they started walking.
The sun was shinning now. They turned a corner and BOOM! there was a policeferret.
The turned and ran as fast as their four legs could take them. Along the way,
Ferreski stopped by a singles bar because he was looking for some action.
Ferret swung his head back to look for the policeman. Little did they know that
the cop they saw was Barney Fife, the deputy from the Andy Grifferret Show. He
didn't know nothing!
They were exhausted by now. Simultaneously, they dropped and fell into a deep,
deep sleep. After all, they ware nocturnal.*(Ed's note: they aren't always nocturnal)* They slept for many, many days.
(They were tired.) SirFerret subbenly woke up with a jolt. His toe hurt
like hell.
"My toe!" he yelled. "It's hurting me!!!" He thought he was in excruciating
pain. Ferret was lying (not laying) dead on the asphalt. SirFerret saw this
and yelled, "My foot, it hurts. Make it stop!!"
A common passerby by the name of Ferrelter stopped to see the situation. "Can
I be of any help to you?" he asked.
"My FOOT is in excruciating pain!!" yelled SirFerret at the top of his lungs.
"SHUT UP!!"
"Who was that?" asked SirFerret.
"C'est moi," said the voice. It was Ferretski. He had a big smile on his face.
Of course, we know where he spent those last few days. Well, anyway, he helped
them out once again. He even brought Ferret back to life. because he heard someone
say, "Save the Ferrets!"*
The only thing Ferret could talk about was "When I was dead..." this, and "You
wouldn't believe..." that. "The afterlife..." this, and "I can't wait until I'm
dead again..." that. He was ever so loquacious. They beat him up and left him
lying (not laying) in the Ferrettown gutter.
The sun rose yet again, and it was time for bed. They fell into a nice slumber.
Just then, a flash flood came through the town. Was life over for them all?
Find out next time on...
When we last left Ferrettown, the ferrets were all asleep. Ferret was lying in the gutter. A violent flash flood came, and they were swept away. They were carried beyond the horizon, and into the boundaries of the much anticipated Porcupine Point. The porcupines here were very much opposed to the ferrets. At one time many, many years ago, the ferrets and porcupines lived as one, happy and peaceful in every way. And then it happened. We all know what happened. Evolution took over, and they were different animals. Since those days, many wars have taken place. Some of those wars were between the porcupines and the ferrets. We all remember the Ferret/Porcupine War; the War Between the Ferrets and the Porcupines; and more recently, the Malicious Small Mammal Big Revolution. It was heartbreaking to see all the mounds of murdered creatures. Who wouldn't be scared to death at the sight of the 200,000 blood thirsty ferrets coming at you with oozies adn yellilng the words,
Enough history of the world. Let's get back to the story. Ferret and SirFerret
were now at Porcupine Point. They quickly proceded to a costume shop where they
puchased a porcupine costume. (I told you the porcupines were stupid. Why would
a porcupine buy a porcupine costume?!?) Now they blended in. Where did they go
next, you ask? To that rockin' party they've been hearing so much about. After
all, you only live once. Unless you're a cat. But let's not involve them in
this episode. I really don't feel like explaining the rivalry of the Big Cat/Small
Animal War. You see, cat's have an EVEN BIGGER BRAIN!
So they're at this great party, right? One thing leads to another and SirFerret
marries some chick, I mean porcupine, named Muffy. yeah, I know, SirFerret was
Ferret's paramour, but when you're smashed you don't think of commitment. The
next night, they're both hung over. But Ferret is feeling a little better, so
he devises a plan of escape by using his BIGGER BRAIN. So anyway, they
decide to kill Muffy. They just need to figure out... how? Upon remembering
the best way to kill a porcupine, the two ferrets run Muffy over with "the
monstrous thing that the humans call a tank". SirFerret follows it up by saying,
"Consider that a divorce" with his most corny Arnold Schwartzenferret accent.
Ferret rolls his eyes. This forces him to wake up. He takes a look around him
and realizes that he's still lying in the gutter. Yes, it was a dream, or was
it? His eyes fell upon a cat in front of him. He got up and ran, ran, ran all
the way back to SirFerret.
"I'm being chased by a cat!" Ferret yelled as he reached SirFerret.
"What cat? I don't see a cat," said SirFerret. "I do see Ferretski following
you, though."
Ferret felt as stupid as a porcupine and started to pout. They heard a loud
scratching at teh Ferrethouse door.
"Who is it?" asked Ferret.
there was no answer. SirFerret opened the door only to find the cat sitting before
it.
"You're the cat," said SirFerret.
"The very same," answered teh cat as he lifted SirFerret in his paw violently
and then he....
Last time, the ferrets were in a big mess. They were being abducted by the
infamous cat. You know, the one with the The Bigger Brain. (Whoops!) I
meant the Even Bigger Brain! So, anyway, the ferrets had to think of a
way to escape and how? Why did they need to think? We all remember the whole
point of having Ferretski around in the first place, to get the friendly ferrets
out of trouble and to free them from harm. So once again Ferretski came to the
rescue yelling, "When trouble is near, Ferretski is here!"
After this meaningless comment, Ferret and SirFerret both rolled their eyes.
Boom! They were awake! Was it a dream? Is it possible to have a dream within a
dream? Is Elvis Ferretsly still alive? Or worse yet, is Ferret Hitler still
living in the evil town of Porcupine Point? They looked into space with dreamy
looks remembering the awful days when Ferret Hitler was still in power. They
were sent to a concentration camp far away. Just then they came into contact
with him.
"You're alive!" they yelled in unision. Ferrhitler was standing before them.
Find out next week on
FUN WITH FERRETS!
Last time on this swell coup, Ferretski was prepping to cast a powerful spell
on Ferret and SirFerret because they commited the horrible sin of sacrificing
Junior to the devil. If it weren't for Ferretski's amazing timing, Junior would
be decaying as we speak, I mean read.......
Ferrtski raised (not rised) his arms to cast the horrible spell of perpetuality.
From now until the end of time, the two ferrets could not relieve themselves.
Yes, he was cruel, but you have to admit it was quite comical and humorous.
Those poor ferrets. You should see the kinds of spells Ferretski can put upon
porcupines!
Anyway, they began to whine and jump around. "Don't worry," said Ferretski to
Junior, "They can't go on like this forever. Their bladders will eventually
explode into little tiny pieces that shoot out in every which way." Junior
began to cry at the thought of his adopted parents' bladders plastering his
food bowl.
"Oh hush," said Ferretski. "Would you rather be de..."
He was interrupted bythe sound, an ever so sonorous kaboom. They turned to run
in the opposite direction (recurrent). But they were too late. Ferret's guts
were dripping off the sides of the little abode. Junior heaved and then Ferrtski
made chunder and then Junior ralphed and then Ferretski hurled and then Junior
blew chunks and it set off a chain reaction. This only added to the mess and if
I do say so myself, the odorifious stench. This continuted for 40 days and 40
nights, at least it seemed that long.
At about this time, Ferretski was feeling mighty guilty about what he did to
the ferrets. He pondered the subject for quite some time when he came up with
a solution.
"When trouble is near, Ferretski is here!" he yelled while he calmly waved his
arms about chanting something or other.
Boom!The walls were clean, sort of, and Ferret and SirFerret were returned to
this world.
"I told you so!" exclaimed Ferret. (Is he the one who died before? I don't
remember. I hope you'll forgive me if it was SirFerret who died before. Please
forgive me; I am unworthy!)
"That was most pesci!" answered SirFerret "I never thought that dying could be
so much fun. I should have listened to you before. Please forgive me for being
so mean to you, Ferret. Let's make up." (I just realized that it was SirFerret
that died before, it wasn't Ferret after all. Let's just imagine that those
lines before were the other way around.)
*(Ed's note: It was really Ferret who died before.)*
Anyway, Ferretski and Junior decided that their endless babbling about life
after death had grown tiresome. You know, "Gee, peachy keen" and "Did you see
God?" and "Was that really Henry VIII?" and "Let's commit suicide and finish
that game of Life."
So, Ferretski and Junior banded together to make them stop talking forever and
ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ....
Their plan was to take place tomorrow at high noon at the old general store.
Catch them next time on the amazing...
FUN WITH FERRETS!
--JAW--
As you already know, during the last episode, Ferretski adn Junior were
planning a plan. This plan was going to take place "tomorrow" at high noon at the
general store. Well, it's tomorrow and we just happen to be at the general
store. (What'ya know?) Ferretski and Junior have been here for hours just setting
up. I guess I'll let you in on their plan. They were simulating death, but this
wasn't going to be your ordinary death. This was going to be pure Hell, and I
use the term loosely.
Here's the scoop. Ferretski was going to fool around with Ferret's and SirFerret's
mind. He was to make them think that they had truly died, bit the dust, bought
the farm, expired, croaked. Anyway they were going to put those two through the
worst torture they had ever experienced. Looks like I can see the victims now.
They were travelling steadily down the road. they slowed down as they passed
the saloon. They went insede and came out three hours later. Just then a horse-drawn
carriage came speeding by and it hit them. (Ahhh, that's S.A.D.D.!) Well actually
it didn't really hit them. That's what they thought had happened. After all they
were drunk and Ferretski was making them believe that they really were dead.
They were rather enthused that they were dead again. (What a great name for a
movie!) They wanted to see what would happen next. Ferretski and Junior jumped
out from behind the bushes, or I mean tumbleweeds. I forgot about the old west
motif.
"How did you get dead?" said SirFerret to Ferretski and Junior.
"WE, uh, we were jousting and we accidently killed each other."
"But wouldn't one of you have been dead already? How can you kill somebody when
you're dead yourself? Pesci fool!"
Ferretski answered, "I didn't think it would happen myself. Yes I was a skeptic
on the matter myself. I spent many long hours dwelling on the subject. Soon I
grew tired of such a preposterous idea as such. I shrugged it off as 'It won't
ever happen to me.' Little did I know that it really could happen."
Ferret looked somewhat confused and then suggested something to SirFerret.
"When we get back to life, let's try that because I don't think it could really
happen. Do you?"
SirFerret said, "I could never stab you. You're my special companion."
Ferret said, "But what about Muffy?"
"Muffy's dead."
"We're dead, too. Let's go visit her."
"No! It was an impulsive marriage, a one night stand. I'm not going back to her.
And besides, she still thinks that I'm a porcupine."
"Well, let's try killing each other like they did anyway."
"Okay. But wait, and use your BIGGER BRAIN. The only way we used to get
back to life was by Ferretski. And now that he's dead, how do you suppose we'll
get back to life?"
A look of complete shock covered their faces. They were pretty dang worried.
They looked to Ferretski to ask him what to do. "Ferretski, what do we do now?"
"When trouble is near, Ferretski is here! Except when he's dead. Then you're on
your own, kid."
They began to cry their eyes out. No, their eyes didn't really come out and roll
around on the floor serving as targets for people to step on. It just sounded
good. At about this time, Ferret and SirFerret were picked up by Ferretski and
Junior. (Uh oh. Was that passive voice? Forgive me for I have sinned. It's okay
if you don't want to be my friend any longer. I understand. It aws a mistake and
I'm sorry. No, I'm downright unworthyk! Sorry!) They were brought into the
backroom of the general store. this is where their nightmare was to take place.
When we last left those goofy ferrets, Ferretski and Junior were getting back
at Ferret and SirFerret by putting them in a "catatonic" state and to make it
pure hell. Anyway they had jsut been brought to the backroom of the general
store. They were then each tied to chairs, back to back.
"What are you doing?" asked SirFerret.
"I'm not Ferretski, and he's not Junior," answered Ferretski, "We're your worst
nightmare. Only this is not a nightmare. Welcome to Death."
Junior continued by saying, "Now you're facing nothing but perpetutorture,
eternitorture, constatorture,...well, you get the point."
"Let the torture begin," started Ferretski, as he held in his hands 5 video
tapes. Their titles were The Best of the Brady Bunch, New KIds on the
Block in Concert, The Doors, Reversal of Fortune, and Playtime
With Porcupines: A Guide to the Great Ferret/Porcupine War.
"Not those tapes please," whimpered SirFerret.
"I want to be alive again! I hate being dead." exclaimed Ferret. "There's no
place like Ferrettown. There's no place like Ferrettown."
SirFerret joined in. "There's no place like Ferrettown. There's no place like
Ferrettown. There's no place like Ferrettown..."
"When trouble is near, Ferretski is here!" came the familiar voice in the distance.
Ferret and SirFerret rolled their eyes.Boom! They were back to life. They had
somehow been resusitated (revived from apparant death).
"We're home!"
"I never wanna die again!"
"But wait! Ferretski and Junior are still dead."
Just then Ferritler rounded the corner, with him were none other but Ferretski
and Junior. They had been seized and Ferritler mad his long anticipated appearance
in Ferrettown.
"You're alive," everyone yelled at once.
"Maybe we're all phantasms, ya think?" asked Ferret.
"Silly ferrets," said Ferritler to Ferret. "You'll all come with me and be my
slaves."
Where will they go?
Find out next time on...
FUN WITH FERRETS!
When we last left the happy ferrets, they were being carried away by Fly-By.
No, they were not being abducted because they left on their own good will, mind
you.
"Where are we going?" asked the curious Junior.
"To a land far, far away. It is a land where no ferreth has ever been before. I
know a place beyond the horizon hath we travelleth for noeth reasoneth ineth
thy worldeth."
"So where are we going?" asked SirFerret.
"You'll see when I see."
They rolled their eyes. Yeah, I know that Ferretski didn't deliver his world
famous saying but that's.... okay. Because he's creative, he's original, and
he wrote this all himself. No, he didn't write it you cheeky-monkey.
"I am no cheeky monkey!" retorted SirFerret. (Sorry)
They came across a vast, wide sea. They flew across it at a quite rapid and
vigourous state. (I did not spell that wrong, I'll just be a little more English
today in honour of Prince Charles' birthday.)
Across the sea, there was a continent unknown to the ferrets.
"What is the name of this place?"
"Don't ask me."
"Why? Don't you know?"
"Sure I know. The narrator just doesn't know what to write next. So I'll just
drag onward in my speech so the pesci one doesn't look too bad."
"Who's the pesci one? The name just does not ring a bell."
"I'm ashamed of you. Do you think that your existance as a ferret would be made
possible without the pesci one and the coup d'etat one. You see they hath
established a foundation by the name of...well, it doesn't have an official
name but their main purpose is to save the ferrets. Why else would we celebrate
February 15* as a holiday?"
"How should I know what holiday it is? But we do get out of school that day when
the measly porcupines have to go."
"Oh, shut up."
"Okay."
They preparred for their landing. They returned the tray to its full upright
position. They put out their cigarettes and put their seat belts back on.
"_____"
They found a barren ground to land on and then they landed. Would you believe
it? I didn't think they'd land in this episode. Then they proceded to disembark.
They began to walk. They heard a distinct rustling in the bushes. They decided
to see what was going on. They walked around the bush on eitehr end to close in
on the sound.
"Sigh"
"Sigh"
"Gasp"
"What the..."
Low and behold, in the bushes was none other but the one and only.... Ferritler.
Will they live or will they have to face the hellish death?
Find out next time on
FUN WITH FERRETS!
the pesci one
JAW
They were face to face with the infamous Ferritler. Their minds flashed
horrificious pictures of yesteryear, pictures of their repugnant days and weeks
at the concentration camps that Ferritler controlled. Ferret glanced over at
SirFerret to catch the tear rolling down his little ferret visage. At this
point Ferret could not yet control even his own emotions. Two tears made their
way down his face as he recalled the wonderful days he had spent with his mother,
Ferretlia. Ferretlia was one of the many unfortunate ferrets who lived their
last yaers in the miserable confines of Ferritler's camps. She was fried like a
potato just for being a loyal ferret.
Junior was a bit too young to understand the pain of life in the concentration
camps. And then there was Ferretski. He was most touched by the concentration
camps. He himself had experienced the devastating life, life at the camp. There
were no campfires at this camp, only heartfires (Yeah, I know that sounds corny,
but hey...). Ferretski was only growing madder with each second near Ferritler.
He felt his fists tightening, yet he could do nothing about it. He had lost
control of his body and mind. Yes, now he was SuperFerretski. He could hear
himself cry out the ridiculous words:
"Mother!" said Ferretski.
"Son!" she answered.
"You're fat."
"I'm pregnant."
"Mother!" He said with great shock.
"Now, Ferretski, you calm down. It's not the first time. Now introduce me to
your friends."
"Well, alright. this is Ferret, SirFerret, Fly-By, and the best one (besides
me of course) is right here, Junior." Ferretski said with joy.
"Isn't he adorable? Is he yours?" she asked.
"No, I wish he were (not was). He's actually the adopted son of these two," he
told her as he glanced at Ferret and SirFerret. He noticed that they were very,
very mad.
"What are you staring at?"
"Son, you've got a gut like that Oswald kid*."
"You insulted us, Ferretski. that's not nice. Remember, you're an adult, full-grown
ferret. You've got to set a good example for Junior."
"Since when have you been so concerned about parenting?" Ferretski asked.
"Since...well, that doesn't matter. This does!" Ferret lifted one of his hind
legs and whapped Ferretski with his latest Ferati moves. (He's a blackpelt.)
"Oh my," replied Ferretski's mother, who's name by the way is Ferretina, "you
young'uns are always getting yourselves in a mess. Come on inside, and I'll fix
you up."
They started into the home when from around the corner came Ferrute, the brute.
He was the bully of Ferretski's old school. Ferretski was a mess, but he was
awake enough to see who it was.
"It's you" said Ferretski in surprise.
"So you've decided to come back."
"I thought you were dead."
"I came back."
"I was dead, too!" exclaimed Ferret.
"So was I!" added SirFerret.
"Well I was dead more." said Ferret. "You were only dead twice."
"So." SirFerret said glumly.
"So I'm better."
"Are not"
"Are, too!"
"Are NOT!"
"Are too!!"
"SHUT UP! You're both scum. I've been dead ten times." said Ferrute.
"Whoa." the ferrets said in amazement.
"Well, you get a lot of people looking for revenge when you're as hated as I
am. Nobody likes me. I'm so alone in this world. No one wants to be my friend.
They all want to be my assassin. I live a lonely, lonely life."
"So come with us," offered Junior.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know where we'll go after our visit ends. I guess we'll go where the
moon takes us." Junior said dreamily.
"Sure I'll go! It sounds like fun as long as you quit talking so corny as you
just did."
Ferretski was so scared he wizzled in his pants. Eeya!
"Don't be afraid," said Ferrute, "I won't taunt you. I'm looking for some company."
Ferret and SirFerret snickered because they knew they were each thinking the
same thing...Muffy. Their smiles grew bigger as they both wondered, Is Ferrute
like they are? In other words, is he gay? Nah, he couldn't be.
Or is he?
Find out next time on...
FUN WITH FERRETS!
When we last left off, the ferrets were leaving. Where? We don't know.
"Let's wander yonder."
They all climbed onto Fly-by's back and they flew (very quickly I might add if
you will.) all the way to Ferretski's old home.
"I remember. I was born here. I remember that day I was born. My mom was in labor
and she was screaming for help. Help! Helpl! So I popped out and said my first
word, 'When trouble is near, Ferretski is here!'" Ferretski had a pensive look
on his face. The others, including Ferretski's mother, rolled their eyes. They
woke up the next day. (I know, it's confusing. Get the Cliff's Notes! And DON'T
LOOK AT ME BUM! You cheeky-monkey!) They felt refreshed after the nice sleep.
That night was the test of Ferrute's uh....classification. Yeah, classification.
He wasn't aggressive to the other male ferrets, but he did talk in his sleep.
He kept saying, "Muffy, Muffy, come back Muffy."
The last episode proved one point, Ferrute was no homo. He enjoyed those nights with sluts, (e.g. Muffy). So it's the next morning. The ferrets were getting their breakfast together. Ferretski picked up the paper and reads the headline:
What will happen between Ferret and Ferretlia? Find out next
time on...
FUN WITH FERRETS!
12/3/91
Last time, (I just remembered, I think) the ferrets were all sitting around
the breakfast nook reading the paper with the cover story of that lean and clean
Oswald ferret. (I hope that's right because...)
"I'm bored," whined Junior. "Let's go on the ferret wheel," (oops, wrong story)
The ferretphone rang. "Hello," answered SirFerret. "Ferret... you mean those
little animals?... Yeah, I like them. I'm pro-ferret. Thank you." (He hangs up)
"What a kind surveyer. She just wanted to know whether I was for or against
ferrets."
"What did ya say, SirFerret? Did you tell her you were a porcupine in disguise?"
asked Ferretski.
"Ferretski, go to your room. And don't come out till I tell you to," yelled
Ferretlia at the top of her lungs. SirFerret *(Ferretski?)*
began to pout as he got up from the table and walked slothenly to his room.
Silence hvered over the room. Not because Ferretski was a big talker, but because
everyone feared that another outburst would occur if one of these ferrets were
to speak a word. The time seemed to drag. And just then, they heard a loud loud
loud loud loud loud loud loud boom in the distance.
They heard more booms and they sounded as if they
were gradually moving toward the house. "What's that sound?" asked Junior.
"Get under the table." screamed Ferretlia.
SirFerret and Ferret looked at one another with glee. After all, they were
paramours. (sort of) All the ferrets rushed under the table. The booms
grew louder as they neared. Soon the ferrets could distinguish the sound of
sirens. Ferretlia recognized the sirens from....Thhphh..
"Excuse me," said Ferrute. "I just laid one."
Anyway, she knew that sound well. It was bombing in the distance and the siren
was a siren to warn them that there were bombs in the distance that were getting
closer each second. Seeing as they had already gotten beneath the table, they
could do nothing now but wait. Wait until death.
But the ferrets weren't dead yet. Ferretski was still in his room pouting.
He was under his bed. He heard the sirens. They were loud.
During this whole time that I've been babbling on, the bombs were so close they
could feel the room shaking. And then It came. One of the bombs landed straight
on their happy little home. Were they okay? I guess so because I can't kill off
the characters.
Who else could have caused this misery in the land of the ferrets but the evil
ones, the Satan worshippers,... the porcupines.
They stayed under the table until the bombing subsided....By then it was the
next day.
Could it be one of the worst days in Ferristory?
I'd think so. It became the day known as
The Pearl Harbor of Ferrettown......
Catch them next time on:
FUN WITH FERRETS!
Many hours hath passed since my last telling of the ferret tales. (Not the
ones that come from their bums. The story kind.) We left off with the ferrets,
except for Ferretski who was left in his room, under the table. Bombs had just
fallen on the peaceful outskirts of Ferrettown. The attacks were just beginning
to die down, but they knew that it wouldn't last for long. Ferretlia scrammed
from beneath the table and ran to Ferretski's room.
"Ferretski, are you alive? Come out! War War War!" She burst into tears as Ferretski
emerged from the room. He must have (not of) been cutting onions to make her
eyes water so.
"Mom, I know damn, I mean, Dang.... well that a war started. Don't go wizzling
in you pants, silly ferret. It's not the end of the world."
"Now you listen here, young ferret. That Oswald kid talked back to his parents,
and look where he turned out...."
"But mom, I like the Oswald kid. He's a ferret saver. He's my idol. I worship
the ground he walks on." (Xmas is coming!!!)
"Well I guess that was a bad subject to bring (not Take) up." said Ferretlia
thoughtfully.
Before I could make them flatter the Oswald ferret any longer, the bombs started
up again. But this time they were so close by that they'd be killed if they
didn't get their wee ferret bums out of the way. Ferretlia ran around the house
and gathered her valuables.
"Let's go."
They left the house before you could say, "Ferrets kick porcupine bum". They
were heading for the original homes of Ferret and SirFerret*.
Last time on this exciting story, the ferrets were heading bck home to seek
shelter from the storm, the storm (not Desert Storm) of the bombs of the porcupines.
After long anticipation, here's the sequel....
The frightened ferrets ran for the car. It wasn't a real car; it was Fly-By,
the flying ferret. After all, that's how they got to the outskirts in the first
place. Fly-By backed up in order to give himself room to clear the trees. He started
to run at top speed. He was off! I guess he didn't back off far enough because
as soon as he was airborne, they slammed into a tree that suffered from gigantism.
Yes, this tree was huge, at least it looked that way from the bottom after having
passed out. Let's look into SirFerret's mind...
"Ouch, I don't think that was very fun..." (Everything went black. He was unconscious.
In fact they all were. What would they do now?) (This would be a good time to end
and leave a cliffhanger, but I have more time.)
After many, many hours, they awakened. They each had one question in mind. Were
Ferret and SirFerret still paramours? No that's not it. I cleared that up last
time. Their question was concerning the war. Was it still going on???????????
My brain is dry. I can't think of anything more so I'll
have to continue some other time ... I'm expecting another issue of
Ferret Friends Weekly It should be an inspiration.
Till next time,
JAW, Jennifer Wood (a.k.a. Olga Gustavson)
Last time on this goofy story, Fly-By was carrying Ferret, Ferretski, SirFerret,
Junior, Ferrute, and Ferretlia back to downtown Ferrettown. Remember there was
a war with the porcupines going on. They were running for their lives. (And I
thought it was just a stupid expression. Who knew?) Anyway, they collided into
a whopper of a tree. I never said that Fly-By could fly very well. There aren't
many flying ferrets to tutor him. He's one of a kind. You see, it all happened
when his grandferret met a swallow in the forest. The rest is history. (I'll
tell you more of the story some other time. Maybe when I don't know what happened
last so I have nothing else to write.) And now for the rest of this episode's
story.....
Many days and nights hath passed over the land by the time this goofy group of
ferrets awoke. Each one looked around thyselves curiously.
"Did we just die again?" asked Junior innocently.
"Shut up!" retorted SirFerret. He didn't like dying anymore since that one time
previously recorded in a previous episode of Fun With Ferrets! And besides,
he was mad that this story in this episode is dying itself. "Yeah"
They noticed that a certain someone was glowing in a way as is to bring attention
to himself (not hisself). That ferret was Fly-By. Yes, the story was growing
tiresome.
"Look everyone," remarked Ferret. "Fly-By is glowing."
"Ooooooh, Aaaaaaah"
"Look at him glow."
"Gee"
"Peachy keen."
"Save the Ferrets."
The ferrets' eyes moved to the sound above them.
"Is it?"
"Could it be?"
"SATAN" the ferret by the name of Ferrute exclaimed.
The other ferrets looked at him in disgust. "Oh please" said SirFerret. "Think
about it, you no good loser who has nothing better to do but memorize 'SNL Words and
Phrases'. I'd bet you have an entire list of Deep Thoughts that you carry
around with you at all times."
Ferrute presently whiped out a copy of Deep Thoughts. The other ferrets
role their eyes. Then when Ferret's eyes return to their normal position, he
finds that everyferrone is looking at him. "Well, I'm not the one who pooted.
You did it you cheeky monkey."
"Bum looker"
"You know what?"
"Chicken butt."
"And....."
"Milk!"
"Artichoke!"
"Would somebody give the story a little Shabang already if you will."
They took their seats on board Fly-By. This time they cleared the trees. Soon
they found themselves looking down on the land below them. Their eyes followed
the wreckage caused by the porcupines. A tear came to SirFerret's eye.
"Wuss" Ferret said to him accusingly.
They kept on their voyage. Soon they found themselves back at the house, Ferret's
house. It was untouched by the bombs which had been raining down for minutes,
hours, days, weeks, months, periodicals......
As soon as they got inside they continued to the TV.
"I got the remote!" called Junior.
"Brat"
"Whiner"
"Porcu...."
"Don't talk about my adopted sone who happens to be a coup like that. He doesn't
ever do anything to you all."
"Sheesh!"
"Silence. I must have silence. Did you hear a tapping. As of someone gently
rapping, rapping at my chamber door?" asked Ferret.
"Tis some visitor," SirFerret muttered, "Tapping at your chamber door. Only this
and nothing more."
Ah disticntly I remember, it was in the bleak December and each separate dying
ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished for Friday. Vainly I
remember the word Copyright. I think it's time to stop that one. I looked towards
the clock. I don't have much time so I'd better throw in a cliffhanger.
"Boom" A bomb landed on the house.
Last time, the group of ferrets were at Ferret's house. And low and behold
there was Boom! a bomb dropped on to their otherwise
flawless abode. (EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!)
"Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down!"
"Oh great, first Ferrettown and now Disneyland." We cried and cried, but deep
down we thought it was a pretty good joke.
.....-......... After muche undisturbed silence, Junior cried out, "I want my
mommy!"
SirFerret and Ferret glanced at one another with exasperated looks in their
eyes. They knew they had to finally explain to Junior about how they got him....adoption.
"Junior, come here, son," said SirFerret knowingly. "Adoption is all a bunch of
doggy doo doo. When you were very very young, you lived in what we call an
adoption... uh... an adoption... help me out here..."
"When trouble is near Ferretski is here!"
"Who could that be?"
"Tis some visitor"
"No it's not, goofy ferrets, it's Uncle Ferretski."
"Where have you been my son?!?"
"Where, Mom? The Wherehouse. I was saving good money on tapes and Compact Discs
by all the great artists and Grammy nominees. There was one that they had none
of in tapes or CDs, Ugly Kid Joe. They didn't even have the single. Oh well, who
knew? No big whoop. I'll just have to go back next week and take advantage of
some of the fantastic everyday prices at the Wherehouse." responded Ferretski.
"I see you got yourself a job at the Wherehouse. How much will you get paid? I
hope it's more than that silly job you had last time as a garbage collector."
said Ferretlia.
"I was a sanitary engineer, and I get Ten Ferret Marks an hour." Replied Ferretski.
Meanwhile, Ferret and SirFerret had told Junior all about his background at
the adoption house. (Without Ferretski's help, if you will.)
(I'm not feeling very creative today)
Junior took the news quite well. Ferret and SirFerret felt relieved that they
got the situation out of the way for good. They felt it was a time to celebrate.
"Let's celebrate!"
"Okay"
They got into the ferretmobile and drove to the nearest singles bar. (You know
that they are now, no longer paramours.) Eventually they skipped town after
picking a fight with an off-duty cop. Who knew?!? Junior missed them but soon
became accustomed to his new life without Ferret and SirFerret. And then he
woke up.
They turned on the television and heard the latest report on the war with the
porcupines. It was over. They no longer had to worry about walking the streets
at night. (Ferrettown is virtually crime-free. Aside from the fact that the two
gangs, the Books and the Milks were just about the crudest gangs in all the
land. Their headquarters were in Ferrettown.)
Boom! No it wasn't a bomb. It was gunfire. Now that
the war was over, the ferrets looked for excitement in their own neighborhood.
The bullets shot from a gun of the Milks was presently burrowing through the
raw flesh of Ferrester, the head honcho os far as the Books were concerned. Now
he wasn't quite dead. In fact he was getting better.
"I think I'm gonna pull through!"
If he made it to the morrow(?), he would surely be seeking revenge. Ferrester
moved his eyes toward his wound which was now seeping in cold blood. No, he
wasn't gonna die now. He was a ferret! And he was a member of the Milks. And
remember I don't kill ferrets.
He was gonna live
Looking over his sholder, he discerned that the Ferret family who are the stars
of these stories thus far were staring at him.
Ferrester wasn't mad at this. He merely said, "I've fallen and I can't get
up!!!!!!!"
The ferrets helped him back to his feet.
Will Ferrester have a place in the Ferrets'
happy little home next time? Will I be more creative?
Find out next time on.....
Fun With Ferrets!
1/10/92
(I don't really feel like typing, but I am forcing myself to just for the sake
of ferretdom everywhere. So I'll just choke it up....Let me remember where I
left off. I think that Ferrester was with the other ferrets. Let's call them a
coup since "other ferrets" is too hard to write. I don't want to spend all this
time writing "other ferrets" when I could be writing something other than "other
ferrets". And besides, coup means "otherferrets" and I don't want to keep writing
"other fereets", or "other ferrets" for that matter. So here I go. OUCH!!!!!
Eeeeeeeeyyaaaaaaa!!!
Ed. note--(Sorry, I forgot that I promised never to print reruns....)
The time was the next morning. Ferrester grew close to the coup. (Not "other
ferrets" because remember I don't want to keep typing "other ferrets".) (I don't
have a short term memory I don't have a short term memory) (I don't have a short
term memory I don't have a short term memory) BZZZZZZZZ (<-onnammonnaappiiaa))))))))))))
The alarm was ringing.
"Cut off that infernal thing!" Ferrester cried, but he glanced out the window to
see (Not "other ferrets". Remember I won't write that anymore) a HUGE, No, no,
GARGANTUAN MASSIVE, IMMENSE rabbit with these "huge pointy teeth". "AAhhhhhh"
The rabbit scattered and Ferrester woke up. "It was all a bad dream." he said
to himself, "or was it?!?" He saw the PESCIESTLY BIG tracks of a common STATIONLY
LARGE rabbit.
clif
f
h
a
n
g
e
r
! I've fallen and I can't get up!
I'm standing and I'm very mobile!!!!!!!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ---------------------------------------------------------------- ################################################################ **************************************************************** ________________________________________________________________ ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last time, Well, let's forget about last time, and move on. The time before
last time, the ferrets had just adopted Ferrester as one of the coup. (One last
time, I won't write "other ferrets" because it takes too long and it uses up
much time, and it is redundant. And it is redundant.) It is now the next day,
and the coup were awakened by the sound of silence.
"Somebody stop this firey inferno in my brain!" cried SirFerret.
"When trouble is near, Ferretski is here!" replied Ferretski through tired eyes.
"Shut up!!!" screached Ferretlia at the top of her lungs.
"Sheesh! Take your Rittilen, Mom." Ferretski, now awake, said as he rolls his
eyes counterclockwise, no, clockwise, yeah, clockwise is right.
Junior hops out of bed and rallies all the others up. He hesitates before taking
hold of Ferresters's frail pinky and pulling with all his strength. The
skin-curdling ear-piercing scream comes with a sound of quiet tears all the
way up Ferrester's arm.
Sorry, this is still currently being typed up by the ferrets. They may be nimble at the keyboard, but they do sleep 20 hours a day. Be lucky we have this much done!
Last additions: 7/19/96
Most things in this lavender color denote Jen, JAW, the pesci one, etc.
Most things in this green color denote Aymi, the coup d'etat one,
ed, etc.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show
is the mini cartoon series featured in the other cartoon series, The Simpsons. (For those of you who don't know...)
Luckily, I don't think the Itchy and Scratchy Show
features any mini cartoon series. But there was one episode in which Itchy and
Scratchy become friends, and pour each other tea and lemonade... the themesong
became something like, "love and share, and love and share and share..." instead
of their usual "fight fight fight!"....
Saturday Night Live reference.
How the Angel Got on Top of the Xmas Tree story. It's long and
tedious, must I repeat it? I'll summerize: It's Xmas eve, and Santa's had a
really bad day. An angel comes down and asks him, "Where do you want me to put
the Xmas Tree?". Needless to say, JAW is only allowed to tell this story once
a year.
"Save the Ferrets!" was the slogan we used to spread
ferret awareness at our school.
February 15 is National Ferret Day, of course!
Vrooooooom back to the Ferret page!
Cute animals
Scamper Back to My *Spiffy* Page
Background ©
Destiny's Ink 1997
Last Updated: 5/25/97